Because I'm Tainted
by minimerc
Summary: How would you feel if something was taken away from you? Ami has had to face her loss of childhood and is now forced to cop with it again. Ami's POV A little Dark. Changed Title cause saw it somewhere else. *ONE-SHOT* Ja ne


WARNING: This fic is sort of dark. It is also about Ami. And just about Ami. So if you get depressed easily, dun read please. Thanks so much.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or it's characters. I do own this story though.I think I do.  
  
I walked from the bus stop to my friend, Rei-chan's temple. I was already late to Study group but that normally doesn't happen. Too many things were causing me misery as I dug up my past once more in this world. 'I can't go through with this. I might as well go home.' I silently told myself, changing direction..that is until Usagi-chan showed up, late as usual.  
  
"Konnichi wa, Usagi-chan," I told her, plastering a smile on my face for her sake. As long as I've known Usagi-chan, I know she would bagger me about my depression until I snap. That's what my okaasan did and now I'm in therapy. Besides I don't want to lose the only friends I have.  
  
"Konnichi wa, Ami-chan. So you're late too? Great, now Rei-chan can keep her mouth shut." the blonde said cheerfully. I would hate to have her pity or be scared of me so I do not and most likely will not every tell her my secret. That shall stay buried deep within the icy depths of my soul or at least I want it to be that way. The therapist wished differently though.  
  
"Gomen Usagi-chan. I have to go home. I don't feel too well right now. Please apologize to Rei-chan for me." She looked at me with worry. I hate it when people do that. I do not wish for people to pity me because I do not deserve their pity. Why you ask? Because I'm tainted. Tainted by a past I wish not to remember. I tell her not to worry and rush off to my sanctuary, my penthouse apartment, to find some solitude. Who said the Outer Senshi were the only ones that could isolate themselves from others.  
  
As I lay in my bed, I review my meeting with the psychologist and how I got there. 'Okaasan, why did you make me have to go?' I asked her in my head though I know she couldn't hear me as tears welled up in my eyes. But she was only doing what she thought best I suppose after I blew up at her last night. I don't know why but a rage that I never knew of before filled my being as I spewed horrible things at my okaasan. It must have been the fact that my father had left that day years ago or menstruation but it still gave me no excuse. That is how she found out. I will not make that mistake again.  
  
I sat in front of the vanity my okaasan had bought me when I was a little girl. Her thoughts were good but in vain for I never liked mirrors that much after what happened. I looked into my own dark blue eyes, that abyss that had always given away my sadness. "I hate myself." I said before smashing the mirror into small, misshapen pieces. The blood that trickled down my arm was warm and sticky and inappropriate for myself for even it, which ran through my veins, was purer than me.  
  
I quickly washed the cut and bandaged it up. Letting out a sigh, I laid down on my comfortable bed, trying to not wallow in my sorrow. "I'm pathetic." I told myself as I had done many times before, "I'm sick of this." You still may wonder why I'm like this. You may wonder why I say I'm tainted. I told the therapist the same things and she seemed rather eager to hear. Most people always want to find flaws in others to better the way they see themselves:  
  
I sat in that dark, dim room, waiting for her to speak as she just examined me with her piecing green eyes. She read over my case, casting looks of sympathy towards me, which really ticked me off. "Mizuno-san, do you want to talk about it?" she questioned in a motherly matter. I looked down at the floor, my lips moving on their own as I relayed that I was tainted.  
"What do you mean by tainted? There is nothing to be ashamed of," she told me, trying to ease my tension but unbeknownst to her she over caused me to heighten my guard. I tried to control the tears that wanted to fall. There's nothing to be ashamed of? How would she know? She hasn't been through what I have.  
As if she could sense my feelings, she changed the subject, trying to break the ice but little did she know that I was the princess of Ice and I wouldn't crack so easily or at least not twice. " So Mizuno-san, it says here you are 17 years old and the genius of Japan. How do you keep up all of your good grades?"  
"When I was younger, I had no friends so I made books my friends. I have no strategy or tips, I just do what I feel is necessary to learn the material to my full extent." I told her simply, showing my non-interest. I never fully trusted anyone. Even the Senshi I keep things from for I know they might hurt them. But I dared this woman to sit in front of me and try to open and explore the caverns of my mind.  
  
"So no boyfriend or love interest?"  
  
Wrong question. I just lifted my eyes to look at her, "You shouldn't beat around the bush. Ask me the questions you intend to. I may not answer but at least have the courage to ask. Why do you ask that when you know why I'm here?" Is it to hurt me even more? is what I wanted to add but I thought it wasn't appropriate.  
  
Her eye downcast to the floor but only lingered for a few seconds. "Very well, will you tell me about you crisis?" Her eyes pleaded with me. I couldn't talk to anyone else so I might as well, I thought  
  
"It started when I was 6, my okaasan and otousan separated. You see, I love my father very much. But this isn't the reason why I distrust boys. My otousan, though he and my okaasan no longer loved each other, they still loved me." I reasoned more with myself than the woman that took notes, "It happened a year later when I tried to runaway."  
  
"I wanted to find my father. I remember it was raining and I was in the park where my father usually took me. I was naïve so I believed that he would be there. He wasn't but another person was." I froze. The memories burned my ice soul into a clear liquid; I couldn't control my emotions anymore. It seemed the floodgates had opened because I couldn't find my voice for a while so we sat in the welcomed silence. She looked over at me again, seemingly trying to encourage me to let my barriers drop. I took a deep breathe before plunging back into the past I wished to forget.  
  
"I-I never saw his face because he knocked me out. All I remember is that I awoke to rain pouring down my face, my clothes torn to pieces around me. I tried to sit up but all I felt was pain so I lay there until I feel asleep. When I awoke, I was in the hospital that my okaasan now works for and a woman taking my temperature. She smiled gently at me and told me everything would be all right. I believed her until I overheard she and the doctor's discussion about myself being another victim of the local rapist."  
  
I swallowed hard as if my throat was dry to diminish the large lump imbedded in my throat. " I was young but I did know what a rapist was. It was on the News a lot at that time. All I heard from the school kids I knew was that anyone involved was dirty, sluttish, a whore and that whom ever was raped deserved it for the crimes they committed. I had already convinced myself that I had driven my otousan away so the weight on my morale intensified. I may not look it but I have a great pride in myself so I never told anyone until last night."  
  
"With my lack of friends in the first place, I resorted to books. They also influenced my feelings of locking myself away from the world as they continued to pity those that fell victim to what I had. I do not like pity and I wish people to stop it. Most of the people in the media attack the families of people like me for causing them to force themselves into solitude due to not being around. It isn't true. My okaasan has given me many chances to rid this burden from my shoulders but each time I refused."  
  
"And now I have friends who, like yourself, want me to open myself to them. I do not want them to know though so I continue to study but they join me in my quest for academic excellence." I stopped. She observed my movements during my speech, I know, I felt her eyes even though mine were glued to the floor.  
  
"Then why don't you tell them? They will understand if they are your real friends," she told me. I already knew that but there were a few complications that I needed to explain. I couldn't tell her anything that had happened to me while I was Sailor Mercury and I couldn't tell her that I was a senshi and that to be prepared to face any emotion. She just gazed into my eyes, her movements showed the she was expecting me to answer. Who says I didn't take Psychology as well  
  
"It is very complicated. My friends are the sisters I never had. They would understand, demo, I can't stand to see them looking down on me with mercy towards me. I told you before I hate it when people look at me with pity so I do not say." I told her coldly for her lack of understanding. She couldn't comprehend the tremendous weight on my soul right now, not for myself but for everyone on this planet. I am one of its guardians after all and this is how she acts towards me.  
  
She was about to rebuttal but her watch rang, signifying that our time was up. I wasn't too upset about leaving. I didn't want to remember anything that had happened and yet this woman brought it out of me.  
  
Overall it was good to get some of the stress off of my back but I do not want to go back. I would rather tell the senshi than sit there and be interrogated by a stranger that will just go and talk to some of her buddies and relay my sad story to them as they laugh at me. And that is how I ended up here, in my room, suffering from my post-rape problems.  
  
I trust no one in actuality. My trust in the senshi is limited because of the main times we were put against each other and the many times I died for them. I am not saying that I do not like the senshi; I am saying that I do not wish to lay my life on the line anymore. I have died 3 times already and do not feel like going through it again. As I said before, I'll say it again; I do not like pity and will not except it. I don't deserve it. Why you ask? Because I'm tainted. Tainted by a past that I do not want to remember.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well this was my first try at a dark fic. Why Ami-chan you ask? Because she is my favorite and I like to write as her. Anyways I hope you like it. Please review. Ja ne ~minimerc 


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